his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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