omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
