if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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