Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
