she woke up with a sticky ear
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
