turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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