I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My orgasm happened in two different decades
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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