Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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