When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this boner is exhausting
worst night to have a conscience
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
