I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
