If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i think i have two assholes
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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