her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
