I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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