Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
