Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So much rum. So many feels.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
