Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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