I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
