Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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