I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
