I didn't shave. On purpose
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
