I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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