trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
