he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
