3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
