I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
