i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
