so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
