Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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