doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
