I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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