you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
that is very illegal...i love you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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