so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
