i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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