my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
