My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
