Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
