the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
