Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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