I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
