like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
