i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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