When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
