did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
