I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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