Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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