in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The uberlube is also flammable
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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