my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She told me I should be a condom model.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
