oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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