Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
