Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
